( stated, more than asked — the rarity of nami indulging in a hug with her cheek pressed against his chest, feeling about as small as she did when luffy placed shanks' hat on her head. of course i'll help you. of course i will. she wonders if luffy would've helped this version of her. the one with an intimate understanding of a skull fractures beneath her hands, of what shanks looks like when life teeters on the edge of oblivion. he wouldn't help her. nami knows that — she thinks shanks knows too, that he doesn't have anything apologize for. she's the monster between them. but she hugs him anyway because she's selfish and affection hungry, because being pressed here gives her the excuse not to look shanks in the eye, which she isn't strong enough for, anyway. funny. you can beat a guy's head in, but you don't have the stomach to look him in the eye after. some joke on cruelty.
she snuffles. all nami does lately is cry, between killing shanks and abandoning her friends, a broken leg in the woods, jinx resetting her. koby forgetting her, telling sanji she loves him at the worst possible time, werewolf starting, koby dying. where all the water comes from, she's not sure. the little ocean of misery that lives perpetually inside nami — water levels raised from years of neglect. she used to be numb. ish. then friendship happened to her. now? )
I know, I know I'm — the last person you should hear this from. ( nami is not a spokesperson for set. she still barely understands the guy, or why he does anything that he does. so there's no real authority but the guilt still inside her — what she knows, what she feels. ) But I don't think Set would want you to do — um. This. I. ( she squeezes him a little tighter, unaware of his broken bones. ) I didn't want him to tell you, because I knew you'd try to make me feel better, after. After you — after I hurt you, I wasn't — I didn't —
( she sighs, frustrated with her inability to get it out. her face presses a little harder against his chest, tears spilling out of her eyes. )
He sought me out. And I was a mess, and he was consoling me. I don't know why. ( she shakes her head. ) He should've been upset. I thought he'd hurt me, and I was scared he would, but I knew I'd deserve it. Whatever he wanted to do to me. ( there's a long lull of silence, nami's shoulders shaking with silent tears, things she hasn't grown out of feeling, yet. no matter how many times she presses her thumb in the open wound of killing shanks, it comes out soaked in blood, raw and unhealed. at length, ) He just — held me. While I cried.
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( stated, more than asked — the rarity of nami indulging in a hug with her cheek pressed against his chest, feeling about as small as she did when luffy placed shanks' hat on her head. of course i'll help you. of course i will. she wonders if luffy would've helped this version of her. the one with an intimate understanding of a skull fractures beneath her hands, of what shanks looks like when life teeters on the edge of oblivion. he wouldn't help her. nami knows that — she thinks shanks knows too, that he doesn't have anything apologize for. she's the monster between them. but she hugs him anyway because she's selfish and affection hungry, because being pressed here gives her the excuse not to look shanks in the eye, which she isn't strong enough for, anyway. funny. you can beat a guy's head in, but you don't have the stomach to look him in the eye after. some joke on cruelty.
she snuffles. all nami does lately is cry, between killing shanks and abandoning her friends, a broken leg in the woods, jinx resetting her. koby forgetting her, telling sanji she loves him at the worst possible time, werewolf starting, koby dying. where all the water comes from, she's not sure. the little ocean of misery that lives perpetually inside nami — water levels raised from years of neglect. she used to be numb. ish. then friendship happened to her. now? )
I know, I know I'm — the last person you should hear this from. ( nami is not a spokesperson for set. she still barely understands the guy, or why he does anything that he does. so there's no real authority but the guilt still inside her — what she knows, what she feels. ) But I don't think Set would want you to do — um. This. I. ( she squeezes him a little tighter, unaware of his broken bones. ) I didn't want him to tell you, because I knew you'd try to make me feel better, after. After you — after I hurt you, I wasn't — I didn't —
( she sighs, frustrated with her inability to get it out. her face presses a little harder against his chest, tears spilling out of her eyes. )
He sought me out. And I was a mess, and he was consoling me. I don't know why. ( she shakes her head. ) He should've been upset. I thought he'd hurt me, and I was scared he would, but I knew I'd deserve it. Whatever he wanted to do to me. ( there's a long lull of silence, nami's shoulders shaking with silent tears, things she hasn't grown out of feeling, yet. no matter how many times she presses her thumb in the open wound of killing shanks, it comes out soaked in blood, raw and unhealed. at length, ) He just — held me. While I cried.